I was at my buddy Williams this past weekend for dinner when my phone bings with a text. Then a few more. William asks me who keeps interrupting our conversations....I exaggerate the truth because if William knew who the person was I was texting with he would get angry with me...and with good reason. Its the Col...I don't tell William that until I am back in the security of the confines of my own apartment. Jeez Nancy he says...you need to stop...you really do. I know...I actually do know this and I agree but he is my kryptonite. First let me tell you how me and the Lt Col met.
For this article he will only be known as the Col...as we know this is CC and I never reveal names.
The Col and I met 5 yrs ago....I cannot believe it has been that long but there you have it. I won't reveal under the circumstances how we met....I only know this it literally was like out of a movie. My car would not turn over and I needed someone to boost my car. I walked into his workplace and when our eyes met I knew right then I was doomed.
I literally was staring into his eyes when he broke the silence and introduced himself. He was not in the greatest of moods because it was late on a Friday and he wanted to get off early to play hockey...in fact I remember he was wearing a hockey jersey when I met him.
His eyes were the iciest of blue and grey white hair...and beard...no it was not Santa....lol think hot Captain Nemo.
From that moment I met him and when we shook hands it literally was electricity between us. I had never felt that type of electricity before or since him. My marriage had just ended...(just a few months) and I was in no position to be in a relationship or anything but I could not help myself. Remember when I said we will make mistakes along the way...he was my biggest.
So after a few months of texting we finally went on a date...an actual date, however he revealed to me he could not do relationships because he is only a couple years out from the break up of his marriage...I said well its only been a few months for me so I am not looking for anything serious. How wrong I was. We fell for each other hard, the electricity between us was nothing like I had ever experienced and yes of course the sex was unbelievable.
We both were afraid of what it all meant so after only just a few months he said this is heading into a relationship territory and neither of us is ready for that. I will agree with him on that one, however it hurt like a knife blade to the heart. I had never in my life experienced such a physical pain in a break up. I have pre and post Col, broken up with men and never was it as hard as this one. I actually was looking at myself in the mirror and saying what is wrong with me.
When this occured I went on with my life and tried not to think about it...and for months at a time all was well...until one day I would get a text from him and he would say hey lets do coffee...and in his defence...I always went...there were also times I too initiated coffee or lunch. We never had sex again after the big break up of the summer of 2015 but there were break ups.
i think part of this stems from I don't do bad break ups....I actually mean that, I am friends with most of the men I break up with....but the Col is no ordinary man. He is my Kryptonite. I have trouble cutting ties with him.
During this time frame ….the last 5 years that is the Col said on numerous occasions that he would actually like to try a relationship with me. I remember when he said he had to go to Paris for 6 weeks for work and when he got back we would go out..and talk and talk about seriously dating. I am to tell you just like Carrie who was waiting for Mr Big to return from Paris, I thought too we were working towards something....nope, he never got in touch. There was one point when an entire year had passed and we had not seen each other and boom he had to get in touch....and I was back in conversations with him. I know nothing will ever amount to these conversations...they always go the same way. We chat ….have coffee... or lunch...and then he makes promises and then never follows through. The last straw came this past weekend...after all this time...nearly 5 years later...(BTW he just turned 56) and I said are you kidding me.....and btw...my god he looks good....no its not about the physical, but he is in great shape and attractive...smart...and really....really FUCKED UP.
I said to him...are you kidding me...after all this time....after everything you put me through you are doing it again...you shut me out....you tell me you love me but cannot be with me because relationships scare the shit out of you.
I will tell you what I told him.....I am an amazing woman who loved you and I know in your crazy way you loved me as well however life is short and I want to live it with someone who at our age ( I am only 51 to his 56..lol) I want there to be no doubts. You have always had these doubts because of your last relationship and it has tainted you. I am not her I am me and this woman before you loves you for who you are not for what you think I want or need...I love you. I never heard back. Life is short people, this past weekend Kobe Bryant at 41 died along with his 13 yr old daughter...I have a daughter who is about to turn 12....that is a Love that will never die for me....As for the Col...my friends say one day he will regret his decision for letting me go. For me well I will not let the Col back into my life, it takes a lot of strength to write about yourself and be real, I will be ok....however if there is a worthy cause out there that needs volunteers please get in touch. I feel that would be a good way to give back is to help others also if you know of a company that could use a great sales rep please let me know.
Seize that day...you never know when the last day is...I tell me daughter every day I love her, she may roll her eyes but I don't care.
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